A Joke for Today

[andrews]

[BettyBoop]

Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody top notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer

[tufty]

Young Catholic couple


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!!

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here......do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

[Beate]

[tufty]

An Irish Blond


An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the

Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a

Single roll of the dice.



She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

Completely nude'.



With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an

Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!

YES! I WON, I WON!'



She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

Clothes and quickly departed.



The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'



The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'



MORAL OF THE STORY -



Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men...are men.

[tufty]

Lotto

A man says to his wife , "what would you do if I won lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now P**S off!"

[tufty]

*A PLANE ANSWER*

A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga .
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that
to you."

[pixip]

"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111... ...F*CK SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!"

[a_person]

An Irish Blond

*A PLANE ANSWER*

[a_person]

Blind Man

A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that

1. The bartender is a blonde woman.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.

4. I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

5. The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."