A Joke for Today

[zhs]

lol i love this thread.. im new to fmuk and id manage to go throught all 17 pages of awsome jokes ... thanks all.

[tufty]

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men..
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough..
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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[andrews]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choKolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned oV inr pece.

[jmd1983]

Hahaha very funny that last one!

[andrews]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummy:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappies:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.



GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!

[andrews]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....




First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?








Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you areabsolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?








Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator… Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?








Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...........Maybe.





Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!





Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to b*y a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the p*rchase is done.





Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to b*y a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... DUH!

[steve9872]

Test for Dementia

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Due to the lack of information about how many participants are in the race you are FORCED to conclude that there are only two people in the race, you and the second person. Which means that the correct answer is "First".
The question does NOT say that the second person is in second place, only that there is a second person - read it again and you will see what I mean!
Shoddy question writing with multiple meanings, results in this kind of response!

[baty]

Sorry but if the person in front of you is second then there must be 2 people in front of you - the first person and the second - making you the third.
Gosh I hate it when jokes have to be analysed and I AM DOING IT!!
Found this
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, pa*d me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

1213AEBED4FA56F7D7E8ED
E09402F9240EE0E50CC9D44AA08324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

[steve9872]

Sorry but if the person in front of you is second then there must be 2 people in front of you - the first person and the second - making you the third.
Gosh I hate it when jokes have to be analysed and I AM DOING IT!!

That is one way of looking at it but in no way is the second person mentioned, a person in second place in the race.

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

The wording "You overtake the second person." actually has a better meaning if there are only 2 people in the race. It could even mean that you overtook a person 2 places in front of you with no indication whatsoever of your final position.
If the wording was "You overtake the person in second place." then the meaning is perfectly clear. Like I said before the original wording was shoddy! I now say it was exceptionally shoddy, a primary school student could do a lot better.

[andrews]

The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't p*ying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'