A Joke for Today

[andrews]

The four stages of life –

You believe in Santa Claus –

You don’t believe in Santa Claus –

You become Santa Claus –

You look like Santa Claus.

[andrews]

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "You're b*ying a gift, then."

"No, not at all," my friend responded.

"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"

"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . . "I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

[andrews]

A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To < <mailto:santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com>>

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been b*ght by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

[kaqx]

Do you know why the sea is blue?
Because the fish are saying blue blue blue blue blue blue blue blue ooOOOOoOOooOO

[RickyRaj]

This one really made me laugh:

So I was walking down the road over the weekend and some bloke just hit me with a power tool. I was minding my own business and then ... Bosch!

[BettyBoop]

"Brilliant news about Gay Marriage....Why should straight women be the only ones to suffer!"

[BettyBoop]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[greece]

England v Brazil can't be shown in 3D coz Ronaldinho's teeth would injure viewers

[greece]

husband to wife "How many ppl have you slept with?" Wife replies "Honestly, I have only ever slept with you" " Really?" "Yeh the rest managed to keep me awake!"

[RickyRaj]

husband to wife "How many ppl have you slept with?" Wife replies "Honestly, I have only ever slept with you" " Really?" "Yeh the rest managed to keep me awake!"

Good one!