A Joke for Today

[destresserai]

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

[andrews]

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

[BettyBoop]

A man riding his motorcycle was on his way along a California beach when
> suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
> Lord said,
>
>
>
> "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
> you one wish."
>
>
>
> The biker pulled over and said,
>
>
>
> "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
>
>
>
> The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
> challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
> the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
> will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
> hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
> more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
> wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
> feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
> treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong,
> and how I can make a woman truly happy."
>
> The Lord replied......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[destresserai]

Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said, "No, I'm crushed!"

[destresserai]

Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?

The Cairo..practor!

[destresserai]

There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy
old gentleman.

After he proposed, she suggested, “we might even have some children!”

The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.”

“What do you mean?” asked the young woman

“Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”

[MariaLionza]

TODAY'S PEARL OF WISDOM

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

[MariaLionza]

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

----------------------------
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
---------------------------------------------------------

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

----------------------------------------------------

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

-----------------------------------------

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

------------------------------------------

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

----------------------------------------

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
AND... SO ON...

[andrews]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[andrews]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My Dear Child, why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His Hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.



“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.



“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.



“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,” Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river,”
The Lord went down into the river and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.



“Yes,” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious! “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘No’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.



Then, if I had said ‘No’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘Yes’, you would have given me all three. Lord. I am not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘Yes’ to George Clooney.

And the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interests of others.

That’s our story and we’re sticking to it!