A Joke for Today

[tufty]

Couples
Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

**********




A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me my pretty face or my se xy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

===========================

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered

To her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fa rt. Wh at
Do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Beate]

101 uses for a woman
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a ... 715255.ece

[Cortone]

Tech support nightmares from Computer Weekly:

[steve9872]

A much longer list which required proper categorisating.

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

I revisit it every few months when I need cheering up.

[andrews]

A much longer list which required proper categorisating.

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

I revisit it every few months when I need cheering up.

Thanks for this list Steve - that will keep me amused for hours.
And I'm pleased to say that I am not as bad as the people in Cortone's jokes above!

[andrews]

THE IRISH DIESEL FITTER.


Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment p*y.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his p*y.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[andrews]

Potato Sack exercise for improved strength and fitness:

I have just come across this exercise, suggested for 'seniors', to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends here at FMUK. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.

Then 50lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(As I write this I have to admit that I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[tufty]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'
and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'


The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork,'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

[tufty]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a

special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday

morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive

in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.



One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really

didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the

rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When

they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her

grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We

didn't see a single dumb b*stard or lousy sh!t head anywhere we went

today!"

[tufty]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:


1.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

3.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said
So I suggested the kitchen.

5.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I b*ght her an electric chair.

7.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

8.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

9.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

10.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"

11
I said "It's a pity you don't keep the house as clean as my car". After spending two hours valeting it she emptied a week's garbage all over it and then went back in to continue watching TV.