A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we
> started swearing.'
>
> The 5 year old nods his head in approval.
>
> 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
> swear after me, OK?'
> 'OK' the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> His mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
> for breakfast.
> 'Oh sh!t, mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'
>
> WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, he
> gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
>
> She looks at the 5 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do
> YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
> 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops.'
>
> l
>
A Joke for Today
-
tufty
- Phase IV
- Posts: 263
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:00 pm
- Old post count: 85
- Preferred Cinemas: LONDON: ISLINGTON, N FINCHLEY, WEST END, COVENT GARDEN, PANTON ST, PICCADILLY,GREENWICH O2
- Location: london
Re: A Joke for Today
Member No. 42 of the "100 free films in 2011" 16 seen 84 to go.
Member No. 42 of the "100 free films in 2010" club. 51 seen.
Member No. 42 of the "100 free films in 2010" club. 51 seen.
-
biggins
- Se7en
- Posts: 2252
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:20 pm
- Old post count: 66
- Preferred Cinemas: Any in Edinburgh
- Location: Edinburgh -66 posts on old site
Re: A Joke for Today
Just couldn't help but share..... 
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 1 seen 99 to go.
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2019" club 10 seen .
Member no. 23 of the "100 free film Club" 57 seen 2010.
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2019" club 10 seen .
Member no. 23 of the "100 free film Club" 57 seen 2010.
-
BettyBoop
Re: A Joke for Today
Don't miss the Amazing Scotsman
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman b*ght a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He b*ght a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?
"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman b*ght a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He b*ght a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?
"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."
-
BettyBoop
Re: A Joke for Today
An Australian man was having a coffee and
croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said,
'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being
bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.
In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Australia ...'
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
your bread?' Sighing, the Australian
replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, 'we don't. In the States,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers
in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex
in the States?' The American smiled and said
'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States .
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said,
'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being
bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.
In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Australia ...'
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
your bread?' Sighing, the Australian
replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, 'we don't. In the States,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers
in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex
in the States?' The American smiled and said
'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States .
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
-
BettyBoop
Re: A Joke for Today
> YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
>
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
>
> door. The man gets up and goes to the door
> where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
> a push.
>
> 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> 'Who was that?' asked his wife.
>
> 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
>
> 'Did you help him?' she asks.
>
> 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
> rain out there!'
>
> 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
> 'Can't you remember about three months ago when
> we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
> I think you should help him, and you should be
> ashamed of yourself!'
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
> and goes out into the pounding rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
>
> 'Yes,' comes back the answer.
>
> 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
>
> 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
>
> 'Where are you?' asks the husband.
>
> 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk
>
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
>
> door. The man gets up and goes to the door
> where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
> a push.
>
> 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> 'Who was that?' asked his wife.
>
> 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
>
> 'Did you help him?' she asks.
>
> 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
> rain out there!'
>
> 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
> 'Can't you remember about three months ago when
> we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
> I think you should help him, and you should be
> ashamed of yourself!'
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
> and goes out into the pounding rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
>
> 'Yes,' comes back the answer.
>
> 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
>
> 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
>
> 'Where are you?' asks the husband.
>
> 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk
-
BettyBoop
Re: A Joke for Today
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful
young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing
a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover
she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,
and for the second time attempted the step, and,
once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise
her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable
to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing
a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover
she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,
and for the second time attempted the step, and,
once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise
her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable
to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
-
andrews
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Words for Women to Live By…
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - b*y them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from life, that might need a reason to smile!
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - b*y them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from life, that might need a reason to smile!
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
-
a_person
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 8542
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:13 pm
- Old post count: 90
- Preferred Cinemas: West India Quays,Cineworld Greenwich, Vue Stratford Westfield then Central London.
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
Sooooooooooooooooo true!!! I can see it with my niece!!!andrews wrote: 15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
Last edited by a_person on Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Member No. 2 of the "100 free films in 2015" club. 3 seen, 97 to go!
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
-
BettyBoop
Re: A Joke for Today
lol.....how true!!a_person wrote:andrews wrote: 15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
/quote]
Sooooooooooooooooo true!!! I can see it with my niece!!!
